


So Strong, Yet so Retin'd

by PhaedrusOfAthens



Category: 18th Century CE RPF, American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda, Historical RPF
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Historical Lams, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Shame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-11
Updated: 2017-09-11
Packaged: 2018-12-26 08:57:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12055596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhaedrusOfAthens/pseuds/PhaedrusOfAthens
Summary: I'm terrible at summaries. I'm so sorry.





	So Strong, Yet so Retin'd

**Author's Note:**

> So unaffected, so compos'd a mind;  
> So firm, yet soft; so strong, yet so retin'd;  
> -Alexander Pope

John and I had barely seen each other over the past few weeks and I could tell it was starting to wear on me in the form of curt responses and a short temper. Though Laurens and I still shared a room, and often a bed, our daily duties often took us to different parts of camp or town. By the time one of us retired for the evening, the other would already be sleeping or even still working. Our usual routine was thoroughly disrupted where we felt more like casual roommates than a pair in the throes of passion.

 

Every early morning kiss felt more like a required task on one of my lists than something that I wanted to do… though I hated admitting that to myself. 

 

Laurens fell asleep in his own bed tonight and I watched him quietly snoring, wondering how long he had waited for me to come back. I certainly would never blame him for not waiting for me to come back and  _ logically _ it made sense for him to be in his own bed, but logic rarely directs the heart and mine was aching.

 

I silently slumped into the chair at our desk…  _ our _ desk. We shared everything: our most intimate thoughts, shame, hopes, bodies. Nothing was off limits between us, but apparently, lately, we were just off. 

 

As quietly as I could, I took off my boots and carefully set them at the foot of my bed since that’s where I would be sleeping tonight. My coat fell off my slumped shoulders and I carefully folded it and hung it on the back of the chair. I sleepily fumbled with the knot of my cravat; carelessly letting it flutter to the floor. Each button on my waistcoat was like a countdown to another disappointing, restless night. I didn’t even care about my breeches or stockings and decided to leave them on. Tomorrow would only prove to be the same disappointing monotony, I didn’t much care if they were wrinkled. 

 

I slipped into bed and though I was exhausted, I wasn’t able to sleep. I turned on my side to see John sleeping softly. I loved hearing him sleep and missed his arms wrapped around my waist. I turned over so I wouldn’t have to see him. 

 

But the wall just stared back. Unwelcoming, cold, aloof. Memories of the last few weeks came back and replayed over and over again in my mind. Of a rebuked gentle caress when John tried soothing my anxious soul, a curt reply to his simple “How was your day?”, and my stupid short temper responses to every worry he had. 

 

No wonder he was sleeping in the other bed. 

 

I flopped over to see him still sleeping. Overcoming my shame, I moved the covers back and used every ounce of strength to sit on the edge of the bed. I lingered for a moment trying to overcome my shame, but crossed the room regardless of my hesitancy. I took a deep breath and tried as carefully as possible to pull back the blankets without waking him. Though I put my best effort forth, he sleepily opened his eyes and a genuinely happy smile crossed his face. “Alexander,” he whispered. “I thought you might want to sleep alone tonight after…” he trailed off. He didn’t need to finish that sentence. I winced at the thought of what I had said only out of exhaustion. 

 

“I needed you,” I said, kissing his forehead. He buried his head in my chest as I hugged him tightly. 

 

“I’ve missed you,” he said softly. “It feels like we’re not quite,” he paused trying to find the right word, “the same.” 

 

I shut my eyes tightly as he softly kissed up my neck and eventually to my lips. “I’ve missed you too,” I said sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

 

“Shh… I’ll always forgive you. You know my affections for you are unalterable,” he said between kisses. Pulling my forehead to meet his, he kissed me on the tip of my nose causing a blush to come to my face. All of the ridiculous frustration and shame I felt melted away. 

 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered again. It was all I could think to say. 

 

“It’s just me,” he smiled back. “When do you have to wake up tomorrow?”

 

A frown crossed my face. “Early.”

 

“Hmm,” he hummed, “then we should go to sleep.” He was always worrying, but instead of it bothering me as it had recently, it was exactly what I wanted him to say. 

 

“Fine, fine, fine,” I replied with a small smile and rolled over to slip in perfectly with his embrace. 

 

He kissed me softly through my hair until I felt him fall asleep and it didn’t take long for me to follow his lead. 


End file.
